i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
