My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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