Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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