and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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