you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
