my mouth tastes like poor choices
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
