Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
