i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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