He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
