My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
