she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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