I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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