My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
