Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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