Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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