normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
