What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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