I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
