Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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