I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
