Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.

Fav 13 781 3198
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

Fav 49 1628 7728
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(516): View more from New York

He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

Fav 7 1309 3745
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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

Fav 12 8408 2200
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

Fav 6 1181 1390
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(316): View more from Kansas

Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.

Fav 2 1043 1311
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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

Fav 9 2836 1328
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(901): View more from Tennessee

This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.

Fav 1 709 485
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(757): View more from Virginia

You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid

Fav 0 47 13
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