I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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