I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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