Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She needs sedatives and a leash
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
its liver damage thursday
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
