I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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