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Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
porn star boner night. come get it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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