My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
