How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
