the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The best revenge is premature balding
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
