I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
