There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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