All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
