Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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