We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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