I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
