Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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