i already hear my dad disowning me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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