whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
