My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
