Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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