I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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