I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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