so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.