You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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