come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
