I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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