Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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