I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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