If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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