I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
