Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
