My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
