My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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