My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
